Where are all the haters now? That’s what a motherfucker thought!!!
By the eighth inning it’s clear the Dodgers, a middling team in the 22-plus age division of Rhode Island’s largest amateur baseball league, aren’t going to win.
The guys — a mechanic, a fraud investigator, part owner of a small manufacturing concern — are disappointed, for certain. They’ve got a special distaste for tonight’s opponent, the first-place Black Sox.
But they hardly seem crushed. Certainly not team jester Brian Farley, 27, who, after sitting on the bench all night, has just talked himself into a cameo at first base.
"The infield," he says, turning to the boys as he jogs across the foul line, "just got better looking."
It’s another Friday night in the Rhode Island Senior Men’s Baseball League, a 22-year-old confection of sweat, bonhomie, aching backs, extra-inning classics, and endless wisecracks.
So it turns out that even friends don’t let friends have wicked crazy discounts for one of the most in-demand games of the year. I’ll take this as a lesson to get rich before the playoffs roll around.
I got two standing room only joints - face value twenty bucks - for a cool $75 a pop. Haggled the guy down from $80 apiece, but still feel incredibly ripped off.
The joke is that I should have just copped these fuckers on Stub Hub a few days ago. Patron of the streets that I am, though, I decided to hold out for my scalper homeys.
One dude got back to me with a discount price, but only after I dropped the mint. All the rest of dem, who I ran into on the street, laughed at my low bids, forgetting how many times I’ve gotten them all stoned, and bought their shit seats when I could have paid the same price from the box office.
No hard feelings, though, as the scumbags at Ace Tickets were also selling SROnlys for $75. It’s like they say: keep your enemies close and your friends closer - especially when the playoffs are right around the corner and Sox tixx are on the line.
Here’s a clip from a Fox 25 News segment this morning about Paul Nardizzi’s new Sox book: How To Annoy A Yankees Fan (considering that I’m a New Yorker, my guess is that this blog qualifies). Despite the lame interview by epic cornball Gene Lavanchy, this is good stuff; Paul and his co-author Dave Barend are hilarious.
As an added bonus, my longtime Boston Phoenix (and Weekly Dig before that) artist-collaborator Mark Poutenis did all the illustrations. Check these dudes at the Baseball Tavern this weekend. No doubt I’ll be pre-gaming there for the Saturday showdown against New York.
Just once I’d love to see the Sweet Caroline cam catch a glimpse of someone smoking a joint, or sniffing coke off the guard rail. In the least, a good old nose pick or butt sniff will do.
A nice segue to carry us through the All-Star break…
Red Sox Locker Room Inspirational Movie Speech of the Day: Brad Pitt from Inglourious Basterds
“My name is Lt. Aldo Raine and I’m putting together a special team, and I need me eight soldiers. Eight Jewish-American soldiers. Now, y’all might’ve heard rumors about the armada happening soon. Well, we’ll be leaving a little earlier. We’re gonna be dropped into the Bronx, dressed as civilians. And once we’re in enemy territory, as a bushwhackin’ guerrilla army, we’re gonna be doin’ one thing and one thing only… killin’ Yankees.
Now, I don’t know about y’all, but I sure as hell didn’t come down from the goddamn Smoky Mountains, cross five thousand miles of water, fight my way through half of New York and jump out of a fuckin’ air-o-plane to teach the Yankees lessons in humanity. Yankee ain’t got no humanity. They’re the foot soldiers of a Jew-hatin’, mass murderin’ maniac and they need to be dee-stroyed. That’s why any and every every son of a bitch we find wearin’ a Yankee uniform, they’re gonna die.
Now, I’m the direct descendant of the mountain man Jim Bridger. That means I got a little Injun in me. And our battle plan will be that of an Apache resistance. We will be cruel to the Yankees, and through our cruelty they will know who we are. And they will find the evidence of our cruelty in the disemboweled, dismembered, and disfigured bodies of their brothers we leave behind us. And the Yankees won’t not be able to help themselves but to imagine the cruelty their brothers endured at our hands, and our boot heels, and the edge of our knives. And the Yankee will be sickened by us, and the Yankee will talk about us, and the Yankee will fear us. And when the Yankee closes their eyes at night and they’re tortured by their subconscious for the evil they have done, it will be with thoughts of us they are tortured with. Sound good? … That’s what I like to hear.
But I got a word of warning for all you would-be warriors. When you join my command, you take on debit. A debit you owe me personally. Each and every man under my command owes me one hundred Yankee scalps. And I want my scalps. And all y’all will git me one hundred Yankee scalps, taken from the heads of one hundred dead Yankees. Or you will die tryin’.”
AL East standings headed into the All-Star break:
1. Red Sox (55-35) 2. Yankees (53-35, 1.0 GB)